Here’s a vampire movie for ya. Sean Patrick Flanery is your lead. The lesser-known Charlotte Ayanna is the vamp. The directing team is Cary Solomon and Chuck Konzelman, who also co-wrote the script, along with J.R. McGarrity. With a good-looking guy like Flanery, who’s also a talented actor, leading the scenes and a beautiful former Miss Teen USA as his object of forbidden amore, you might wonder why you haven’t heard much about this film. The answer is – because it’s really not very good.
Harry Balbo is a virtual loser whose only pride in life thus far has been being the MVP at his corporate cubicle-laden office. He moonlights as the emergency maintenance man at his apartment complex. Going about his usual Big Slurpee and a hot dog ritual at the end of his day puts him right in the wrong place at the right time. He witnesses a sassy bum getting the holy guacamole sucked right out of him in an alley by Tatiana (Ayanna), a she-vampire who’s beauty strikes Balbo so crushingly, he almost doesn’t care that she’s just drained a man of his heart-juice. Upon learning that she’s responsible for killings in the area, and that she often uses her victims as lovers before finally sucking them dry, he decides he must stop her. And figures it might be nice to be her new lover.
Flanery, a guy who’s high-life hit with Simply Irresistible and The Boondock Saints in 1999 after being the face of the young Indiana Jones the same year, should still be flying high. I’m really not sure why he does crappy films like The Insatiable. He’s done major television appearances (The Dead Zone, The Twilight Zone, CSI, Charmed and more), but can’t seem to get to “it boy” status in Hollywood. It’s a shame, really. Maybe he just has a lousy agent. At any rate, he’s really the only good actor in the bunch. Ayanna is hot, but not good. I don’t blame her for that as much as I do the writing/directing team for giving her lame lines and making us believe that she could be caged for a week or two and never need a shower, a reapplication of lip gloss or a toilet, for that matter. Her lines were just as ridiculous.
I don’t know who Joe Huertas is or where he came from. He plays a horrid jerk at Balbo’s office who can’t get enough of himself and loves to rip Balbo for nearly everything. The first couple of scenes with him, I thought, “This guy is terrible”, but as the film went on, I couldn’t wait for him to come back on screen. He’s funny. I looked him up and found he’s appeared on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and Prison Break. Someone who will not have you looking forward to their scenes is Michael Biehn. Then again, I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to a Michael Biehn scene in anything.
This story is really lame. The extras were awful. The dialogue couldn’t have sounded more written. That’s a bad thing. Good dialogue isn’t supposed to sound like someone plunked it out on a keyboard. It was very distracting for me. One of the biggest directing “oopsies” was when Tatiana bites into *someone’s* arm and yanks it off. This person falls on the floor and – It’s a miracle! His arm is back! Come on, guys. You can do better than that.
All of that said, I still think it fair to mention that while the story was stupid, the acting was often icky and the dialogue was usually a joke, this movie is really eerily entertaining. If you don’t like cheesy horror, I think this would be a waste of your time, but if you get a kick out of it, give this one a whirl. There are those moments that will redeem it, but only for the true fans of B horror.