The only thing that Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem has going for it is the fact that its title is more true than its predecessor. The first Alien vs. Predator film had more than one alien and more than one predator. This film has multiple aliens, but only one predator. So I guess that whoever came up with the title deserves praise, because he or she actually did his or her job properly, unlike everyone else in this film.

The plot picks up exactly where the first film left off. Somehow, the dead predator that was picked up at the end of that film was impregnated with an alien, and it bursts out of him, matures in seemingly a matter of seconds, and crashes the predator ship back onto Earth. For some reason, this ship was loaded with the parasitic aliens, and one predator notices them before they escape. It presses a few buttons on its suit, and here is where I thought we’d get to see an explosion. That’s what I’ve been told the predators do in order to contain their alien foes, just so that they don’t get to take over Earth. I figured this could be a short movie.

It turns out, that’s not what he was doing, completely going against what we’ve been taught in earlier films featuring the predators. Instead, it calls home to an elder predator (or so I’m guessing) who then departs to Earth. This predator better be pretty strong in order to have a better chance of eliminating the aliens than a massive bomb. But sure, I guess that’s a good enough reason to have the aliens and predators fight once again. Well, with one predator, as the title indicates, because what would be the point in sending more than one predator, despite the fact that aliens are pretty difficult to kill in their own right? I’m not sure. Let’s just go with it and hope for some fun action.

What a letdown they end up being. It’s not so much that the action is bad, although I don’t think I can realistically judge them. See, I haven’t actually gotten the chance to see the action scenes in Requiem. Oh, I watched the movie, and I even willed myself not to fall asleep, but I still didn’t see any action. I watched a lot of pitch black scenes, where I could see that there was a bit of movement, but I couldn’t tell what was going on. And then I turned the brightness to maximum on my television. And I could make out that there was either an alien or predator during these action scenes, and that whichever creature was there was in fact moving. But I still couldn’t tell what they were doing apart from that.

The first Alien vs. Predator wasn’t a great film, as it had poor characters, terrible dialogue and messed up some of the aspects from the previous films in both series. But at least it was fun, and you never had trouble figuring out what was going on. Here, you get a lot of scenes shot at night, in sewers, or in other areas where you can’t tell predator from alien from human. This was done in post-production, or at least, I can imagine so, given the fact that this issue did not plague the trailers.

I mentioned humans in the previous paragraph, and it’s true that there are also a few of them in this film. Their names and purpose aren’t something I can recall, because they’re all just stock characters there so that we can have a human perspective on this giant battle. Oh, and they get to have a love story that fits about as well as a “Predalien” does in this film. Oh wait, such a thing is also included here.

See, when one of those parasites impregnate something, the resulting alien gets features from their host. If you’re born from a dog, you walk on all fours, as an example. So when it was born from a predator, it got characteristics from it. But this mixture breed looks terrible, has odd abilities, and just doesn’t feel like it fits in this story. I mean, you probably can’t have another queen given the story, but the Predalien wasn’t a proper solution, and was actually only included because the studio liked how well it worked in the comic books from this series.

But none of this would matter if you could actually sit back and enjoy the action scenes. for some reason, despite the first Alien vs. Predator film being a financial success, its sequel was given a small budget. I’m thinking that this is the reason that the film is so dark. When you are given a somewhat low budget for something that requires a large number of special effects, they’re not going to look as good as you’d like them to. Make the film really dark, and nobody will notice these lackluster effects. This is my guess anyway, although it makes the film almost unwatchable instead of just laughable. I’d prefer the latter.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem is pretty much unwatchable, which makes it hard to know how good it actually is. Since I could hardly make out what was going on for most of the time, it’s difficult to actually know how good its action scenes are. Everything else is superfluous, because this is a popcorn flick about aliens and predators doing battle. But since the action scenes are indiscernible, there isn’t anything to take from this film, and no reason to watch it. And then there are the changes it makes to the existing continuity, or the logic problems that hamper it in addition to the lack of watchable action. It’s just a poorly made film, one you should just forget about.