15 – 95mins – Fantasy/Horror – 12th October 1990

WOW. Where to begin with this one. This is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life bar none and I’ve seen a lot of crap. Let me just set the scene before I even move onto the, ahem, ‘plot’. This review has spoilers in it but unlike most films, knowing what happens won’t affect your enjoyment of it.

Troll 2 ahh the sequel to Troll 1 I hear you say? Nope, of course not. The distributors, concerned with the ability for the success of the film (and rightly so) renamed it to try and link it to a successful film, Troll, released 4 years prior. Along with that the artwork cover above was designed by someone who had seen neither of the films and as a result everything see on it has absolutely no relation to anything that happens… I mean he’s drawn a werewolf for Christ’s sake and that’s not even the same kid.

Troll 2 was the brainchild of Claudio Fragasso who co-wrote it with his wife both of whom were native Italians not well versed in the language of English. In fact they spoke no English, hired an Italian film crew to do their bidding and to save from any confusion brought in American actors. A cunning plan if I do say so myself! Despite all this though the film was somehow shot and completed successfully so onto the ‘plot’.

Troll 2 of course revolves around the mystical creatures known as trolls. Well… actually no, no it doesn’t. Throughout the whole 90 minutes the word troll is mentioned a grand total of zero times. The film Troll 2 is actually about goblins. Whilst on a house swapping holiday in the small village of Nilbog (a gold star for anyone who can spot why it’s called this) a family- mum, Diana; dad, Michael; sister, Holly; Joshua; and the vision of Joshua’s dead grandfather Grandpa Seth discovers the village is inhabited by goblins that plan to eat them. They are of course vegetarian goblin’s though and so first need to turn them into vegetable people by feeding them poisoned food. You couldn’t come up with this even if you tried and yet somehow Fragasso has managed it. To add to the fun, Holly’s boyfriend Elliot tags along in his campervan with his three friends Arnold, Drew and Brent.

This poisoned food is worryingly green and looks like it’s come out of a cows rear end, so of course the family gather round the table to eat it. But Joshua’s Grandpa’s ghost appears from nowhere to save the day by warning him that the food is bad as it’s been made by the evil Goblins. So how does our Josh save the day? The only way he knows how, he gets up onto the table and pisses all over the food of course prompting one fantastic line from the dad.

The special effect is stunning and ranges from a lightning bolt effect to a lightning bolt effect and the goblins are terrifying showing off what must have at the time been the cutting edge in how to make costumes from things found in a dumpster and potato sacks. The music sets the scenes and is composed entirely from a keyboard synthesiser probably with a couple of keys missing. O and before I forget, the acting is appallingly atrocious.

The weirdest thing about this film is the continual ream of continuity fails and unexplained scenarios. For example, we see Nilbog milk but never find out why it’s there, no one in the town drinks it, surely it would go off? We never learn about grandpa Seth’s special powers- why is he helpless to stop the family from eating the food but can hack a goblin’s hand off with an axe through a mirror or create a Molotov cocktail out of nothing to fling at the nearby Nilbog residents. (No I’m not making this up!) Why does the mum have such freaky bug-like eyes? What was the purpose of turning Arnold into a tree instead of just eating him? What is up with that random girl running through the forest? Why is Arnold unfazed when he first sees the goblins? Who the hell is Creedence? What happens to her face at the end of the movie and has she never heard of chapstick? How do ‘the powers of goodness’ eliminate the goblins?

Now I’ve only scratched the surface of this film with so much more to see including the best weapon ever used in the history of film. You will have to watch it to find out what it is but I’ll give you a clue- it comes in paper bag and shares it’s name with an Italian city and a former English Lord.

The scariest part of this movie is when you realise that not only is it hilarious to watch but it’s addictive and at some point in the future you are going to put yourself through the ordeal that is Troll 2 again! I’m proud to announce that I survived Troll 2, even if a bit of me and my brain died with it.

Rating: F*

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