The Expendables

The 80’s were a interesting time for the US.  Some say it was the start of the decline of the economy thanks to the ACTOR we elected to be our president.  The US performed three major military operations.  Excuse let me rephrase that, we had 1 disaster of a hostage rescue, 1 successful hostage rescue/dictator overthrow, and 1 “war” (a term I’ll use very loosely) that lasted all of what, 2 weeks?  Maybe it was these factors that led to the explosion of 80’s action movies, since we seemed to have alot of pent-up aggression to release.  The action movies of the 80’s play out more like slasher horror movies than anything else.  (Before I continue, don’t take this as a massive glass of haterade on the movies of the past, I just have a standard when it comes to movies and I like a little brains and realism in my entertainment)  One man, alone, taking on the armies of the world while at the same time shaking his middle finger to aliens challenging them to invade all the while throwing out the worst one liners and flattest dialogue you can squeeze into 90 minutes explosions and shooting.  Thank god we smarted up and starting bringing a little realism into movies. That is until Sylvester Stallone got behind a typer writer and decided we needed to revisit those glory days.  Stallone, for the love of god, fire your idiot agent who told you this was a good idea.

Let me get the plot out of the way so I can start tearing this mess up.  Old guys desperate to relieve glory days of excessive violence on film team up with a new class of action heroes to wreck havoc.  There we go.  Plot done.  Let the skewing of this Craptastic waste of time begin.

When the fuck did Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone and Jason Statham  trade in their balls for a pill bottle of estrogen?  Seriously, I’ve dated pregnant girls who had more control over their hormones than these sissys.  Statham (who’s character is named Christmas.  No shit.  That’s the best you could come up with Stallone??) spends the half the movie whining about his “girlfriend” who apparently cheated on him while he was on a mission and left him for some other douche.  I have to say apparently because their relationship is never really explained or explored.  Matter of fact, the second he shows up at her door and she stops him outside made me, as a viewer along for the ride,  feel awkward.  Kinda like the guy who says he’s dating a girl who has no idea he even exists.  Then when Douchie McAsshole beats up said “ex”-girlfriend, she calls Stathum, who after a little assault with a deadly weapon, reveals to her that’s he’s a mercenary.  Then bye bye girlfriend, never to be seen again.  Mickey Rourke, who shows up with the nastiest skank available after closing time at the local Strip club, cries (no joke.  Fucking tears were rolling down his face) when said stripper leaves him and while reliving a past mission where a woman kills herself.  Stallone spends about 25 minutes whining about the girl from their new mission.  She is, I’m guessing here, supposed to be the love interest only no one decided to tell her.  Stallone actually stands there saying, “why wouldn’t she leave?”  AFTER the girl had identified it’s her father living in the palace that Stallone and crew are there to kill.  (Now i know people reading this are going to argue “why Andrew, she said in spanish.  How is Stallone supposed to know that’s her dad?” To which I reply, find me one person who does not know padre means father in spanish.) Ok, whining about girls aside, Where the hell is the action in this movie?  So it opens with a quick, and I mean quick, shoot-out with Somali pirates.  Then we’re left alone with the crying for about 35-45 minutes.  (Sorry I just can’t get over these big badasses crying over shit)  Stallone then remembers, oh yea I’m writing a action movie here.  The action starts up in the last 30 minutes of the movie.  But i’m not going to lie, by this point I was already planning my next root canal.  There is so much wrong with this movie I can’t list it all here.  But I am open to DISCUSSING the aspects of crap in this movie.I’m not going to sit here and say this was the worst movie ever made, I have a whole list of movies that take that honor, but I will say this was a slap in the face of movie lovers everywhere.  The script was awful, the pacing was brutally slow, and the characters where so unevenly balanced, it’s not even funny. Watch this only if you feel the need to see a aging has been Actor trying to keep pace with a new crowd. But if your that eager to see that, Get Rambo.  But that’s only slightly better.

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