Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

I don’t think that something titled “Lesbian Vampire Killers” has to do all that much right to live up to its title. You go in expecting a campy, low-budget film that’s going to have a few people hunting lesbian vampires. Or maybe the hunters will be lesbians, and they’re just hunting regular vampires. Either way, you’re not expecting a great film. Hopefully it’ll be fun or funny, but you’re not expecting great filmmaking.

Lesbian Vampire Killers begins with a couple of slackers trying to figure out where to take a vacation. One of them, Jimmy (Mathew Horne), has recently been dumped by the same woman for the seventh time. The other, Fletch (James Corden), has just been fired from his job as a clown after he punched a child (again). They decide where to go by throwing a dart at a map, which ends up pointing at a remote village. They’re plan is to hike around this village because they have no money to go to somewhere like Hawaii.

After getting to the village and being pointed in the direction of a cottage which is reserved for weary travelers, the duo runs into a group of young women, and the two groups mutually decide to head to the cabin together and party. That’s what young twentysomethings do, so why would they pass that opportunity up? It’s a shame, then when three of the women are captured and turned into vampires, leaving the two men and Lotte (MyAnna Buring) to fend for their lives. They’re eventually joined by The Vicar (Paul McGann), who may be the only person who actually knows exactly how to deal with the vampires.

I’ll explain exactly why there are lesbian vampires in this town, because if I were you, I would be curious. Some many years ago, there was one vampire. She was slayed, but put a curse on the one who was about to lop off her head. The curse dictates that every woman born in the town will become a lesbian vampire on their 18th birthday, and that the curse can only be ended with the last of the man’s bloodline. That happens to be Jimmy, so his appearance in this town wasn’t blind luck, but destiny.

The title might make you think of a pornographic film, but, surprisingly, there isn’t really that much focus on sex, or even on the lesbian aspect of the vampires. For the most part, they act like your typical vampires, and even have many of the tropes that are associated with the lore. They can be killed by stakes, they can’t enter a home unless you invite them in, and so on. The main difference is that when they die, they burst into white goo, which you can take how you will.

The plot isn’t anything special. It deals with the resurrection of that previously-slain vampire, Carmilla (Silvia Colloca, who previously played one of the vampire brides in Van Helsing), kill the only one who can stop her, and then enslave the world. You’ve seen it before, and if you go into this film hoping for a unique story, you’ll be very disappointed. The premise itself is kind of unique, I guess, although since the vampires themselves don’t act all that differently from your typical vampires, even that is less unique than you might expect.

What could save this film is its sense of humor, although that’s all over the map. It does have some-laugh-out-loud moments, which help keep the mood light, but they’re aren’t enough of them to keep us entertained. Lesbian Vampire Killers is styled almost like a comic book, having some literal page flips during its transitions, while also including some titles over important locations. Considering this film is mostly an origin story anyway, I can understand the logic in styling your film that way. It tries to be funny with them, though, and this doesn’t work very well.

As you might expect, most of the actors are terrible. I kind of enjoyed James Corden’s character simply because of the lackadaisical way he goes about his business. He’s the comic relief character, and Corden is effective there. The rest of the cast never seems to know what they’re doing, are all as wooden or over-the-top as you can get, and while being over-the-top could work in this sort of film, not having everyone that way makes your film feel uneven, and doesn’t speak particularly highly of director Phil Claydon.

Things like special effects are absolutely terrible, as is most of the production design. The budget was only around $2 million, so it’s not like you can expect high production values, but when there is obvious green-screening in this day and age, someone hasn’t done their job well enough. There is some extensive CGI used later on in the film, although it all seemed unnecessary to me. If you can’t afford good special effects, and it’s not imperative to the film that you include them, don’t use them. It’s pretty simple logic, but then again, this isn’t a film to follow logic.

Is Lesbian Vampire Killers worth watching? No. Its main draw is lesbian vampires, and it doesn’t even feature them all that much. It’s not as unique as it wants to be, it’s not particularly enjoyable, the acting is terrible, the production values are very low, and while it’s funny at times, it’s not humorous enough to make up for all of its flaws. Maybe you can watch it with a group of friends simply for the novelty, but it’s not at all worth it alone.

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