Dead Snow

I began watching this film, which was luckily for free On Demand, and dug the beginning, playing the classic song In the Hall of the Mountain King as a girl ran for her life, and when she turned around on a hill, the music stopped as she saw nothing… and then a zombie jumped up. She then ran down a hill, fell and rolled, slammed her leg into a rock, and then landed on a tree as the zombies surrounded her and killed her. Great intro, right?

So now that we have established a cool part, we can fill the movie with crap and some cool gore, right? Yeah! So we are introduced to our characters, who are four guys and three girls, all of whom are going to the girl in the beginning who got zombified’s parents’ winter cabin in the hills of Norway. One night, after horrible attempts from the not-too-good-lookin’ dudes to score with the opposite sex, a weird man all of a sudden appears at their door. He tells them that they are all spoiled kids and that they will be killed by some “dark force.” This force turns out to be (and here is the awesomeness that could have been) Nazi Zombies!!!

So they’ve established the problem and it is time to get ready for an awesome, action packed, possibly scary horror flick, right? Well, no, actually. It is time to sit for 30 more minutes while the absolutely nothing happens (but the ugliest guy gets laid by the hottest girl, which is the most unreal thing in the whole movie (so coin the term, if you hear something that is completely untrue, that “Nazi zombies will attack from the hills before … happens!”)) and then the action actually picks up.

The movie is very gory, but it is quite stupid… nay, extremely stupid. More stupid than What’s IQ (If you didn’t catch the joke, the answer to “what is what’s IQ?” is “huh?” Not very funny, I know, but just run with it). So the movie is mainly known for its awesome killing sequences. I shall say all of the ways people die in this film to ensure that you will see some sweet gory action somewhere in the movie:

>Head is ripped in half by hands
>Snowmobiled over
>Eaten (obviously)
>Decapitation
>Stabbed by a sword
>Stabbed by a knife
>Stabbed by an unidentifiable object
>Chainsaw
>Ax
>Smaller Ax
>Hammer
>Hammer w/ Nail
>Smaller Hammer
>Fist
>Hands

So, with all of this action, you may be thinking “well, how did the movie suck?”

Well, for one, it was stupid… very stupid. For two, there was really no plot besides “I’m Norwegian. I’m on a mountain. There are some zombies and they don’t always seem to attack so I could try to escape. But I’ll fight them (Die) instead.” Third, the effects weren’t too good. Fourth, it was in Norwegian, and who the hell wants to read during a horror movie (obviously this one’s a joke. But seriously, it was a bit difficult to get everything out of this film, though there wasn’t much to get). Fifth, cheesy as hell. Sixth, the plot sucked, as I said in the second comment. Seventh, the writing SUCKED. Eighth, the direction was bad. Ninth, the zombies half the time seemed like pushover fat guys that you see at the bars trying to find a life partner. The other half of the time, they seemed like they could bitch-slap Superman. And lastly, tenth, the attention-keeping aspect was lost, and most of the movie was boring.

Best Aspects: The killing scenes were very gory and got your attention, and the acting was not too terrible (and if it was, most of it was based on the fact that the writing sucked).

Bottom Line: C-. Not very good, but the parts that were were awesome. I’d see it just to say you saw it, but you probably won’t like it too much even if you tried.