Hell Ride

Starring Larry Bishop, Dennis Hopper and David Carradine, this movie runs an hour and twenty-seven minutes long.  It is rated R for basically everything violence, nudity, drug use, language, everything except animal abuse.

This movie is about bikers with a grudge.  Two gangs are fighting in present day, the Victors and the 666’s, over a murder that was committed in 1976.  The winner gets, well we never find out what the winner gets.  This movie is full of motorcycles, dust and dirt, and naked girls, lots of naked girls.  The Victors travel around meeting mostly at Dante’s and in whore houses, plot out a plan to kill the 666’s, especially Deuce and Billy Wings who were involved in the murder of a young woman in 1976.  The plan revolves around lost love and the son of the woman, getting revenge for the love lost and getting revenge for the son’s loss of his only parent at the time.  Through most of the movie they chase each other, the two biker gangs, knocking off people one by one, either through bullets, arrows, or throat slitting and fire setting.  The movie resolves with a standoff between the two gangs, or what is left of the two gangs.

I can’t say much about this movie without giving it away.  The scenery was drab, the dialogue full of rhyming and alliteration, and the sex, well the sex was predictable and boring.  It was a dull movie with bikers making poetry out of the word fire and any thing starting with the letter “b”.  Bikers who in reality weren’t really bikers as much as they were dusty, dirty, horny, foul language using poets.  From the first scene I wanted to run screaming from the theatre, and the last scene made me wish I was one of the characters who was getting their throat slit, or had gotten their throat slit early on.  Most of the scenes didn’t make sense, and although there were some funny lines, they didn’t make up for the last of plot or story behind the movie.  Funny lines do not a good movie make.

The biker gangs themselves didn’t make much sense since in one gang you had a tuxedo shirt wearing guy who had designer sunglasses on, and in the other group you had a fat white guy riding a motocross bike.  I mean as biker gangs go neither was the Hell’s Angels of biker gangs, or even close.  There were really no characters for me to root for and care about and when people started dying I was hoping that this was one of the movies in which everyone dies, but unfortunately it was not.  The ending left too much to the imagination, and there seemed to be no answers to any of the questions brought up in the movie.  Like who is Pistolero really?  What happened to Sonny when his mother was killed?  Where did Eddie Zero go?  What was in the Safe Deposit Box?

I don’t recommend this movie to anyone.  If you want a good Quentin Tarentino movie watch Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill 1+2.  Even the movie From Dusk till Dawn was all right.  This movie was just trying to hard to be original and a homage at the same time.  Don’t do it unless you are very, very, very, very bored, or need something that is somewhat porn like to start getting it on with your partner.  Sorry though all the nudity is women.

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